I've got this old, relentless sore spot in my life that forever repeats itself on loop like Oasis' Wonderwall. Don't get me wrong, I loved that CD when I got it by mail in 95' but does it still need to play on a lifelong replay loop?
My Wonderwall is my endless return to a (part-time) job that makes me shudder. For real, it's been a decade of falling back on the same job as a (stupid) crutch. I'm sure you've done this too with some things in your life. Continually going into a job you hate day after day or going back to a toxic, awful relationship over and over again or going for coffee dates with people ya just don't vibe with. Somewhere there's a cycle. For me, every single time I have go to my part time job, my whole body fills with dread for hours before, my jaw clenches tight and my mood swings wildly. I forever choose to fall back on the same job that I internally rail against.
I wonder why I do it. Why do I stay with something that makes my physical body ache and my mind cloud over with near rage?
I tell myself lies. I tell myself that it's the 'logical' thing to do. I tell myself 'this is what everyone does.' I let myself get caught up in the wave of herd mentality. Those lies lead to feelings of weakness. Everyone else seems just peachy going to these jobs. Am I that much weaker than they are? Then I feel soft for constantly wanting to quit. Then I feel overly privileged for even thinking that I should give up a job, any job, that pays the bills. Then I feel guilty for that. The whole time I do this lie-on-lie-on-lie cycle, I'm trying to convince myself not to be so sensitive.
If I really stop to look and reject the lies I tell myself, it looks different. It looks like I am sensitive, and always have been. In fact, I am hyper sensitive. If it's out there, I'm feelin' it. I'm sensitive to energy in a room, to the vibration of people and places. I'm sensitive to tiny dogs, to heartbreak, to pain in people around me. I'm sensitive to the Moon and the sunlight. I'm sensitive to the fact that I've always known what isn't in alignment with my values (though not always logically or in definable words). [THIS. This is important, but I'll get to it later.] This sensitivity has been used against me and was made to feel like the ultimate weakness throughout my life. People made it seem as if feeling and trusting your intuition were signs that I couldn't be strong and tough. As if tears somehow washed away all strength and power.
When I let this sensitivity come to the surface, when I really listen to my body and it's battle cries, I can see that whatever it is I'm fighting against isn't in alignment with my values. And there it is. That is the piece that I've worked so hard to push deep down inside. I reject and resist that one piece. That is the reason that I can't settle and just do the thing that is expected of me. That's the reason I wholeheartedly battle against every shift. This work is not of service to the world. It isn't even remotely in line with my values. I don't believe that I'm making a valuable contribution or raising vibrations in the way that I want by doing this work.
My sensitivity isn't my weakness, it's my strength. My softness is my superpower. When I deny my sensitivity, that's when shit hits the fan. That's when I KNOW that I'm letting something get in the way of my truth.
So why don't I do something about it? Let's stick with this job as the example. Why don't I quit? Is it for the financial safety and security? Well...No. I have never been really attached to money. What I am doing is using it as an excuse to avoid [strong lump forming in my throat] working in alignment with my shit. And here's the kicker..
Fear that I'm not good enough. Fear that what I know isn't enough. Fear that I'll never make it out there in the world. Just fear. A truly useless emotion, unless you're running from a bear or a freight train.
Fearing my true nature, my own path, doubting my value and ability, is actually insane. For one, I'm already doing it. I already share my gifts with the world. I already give enough, am enough and I'm making out just fine. Secondly and more absolutely, in the words of my teachers,
Nothing that ever happens can change that truth. Even absolute failure or embarassment. Even a smaller bank account. So I better get working through this lil' barrier I've put up for myself and make the changes that will keep me moving closer to my alignment.
Cause' that's the sweet spot in life.
(and because I'm over Wonderwall)
how do you tell if fear is holding you back?
Think of a place where you have doubts in your life and ask yourself a few questions:
There's a good chance that something in these situations isn't in alignment with what you truly are and what you truly desire. The question now is why haven't you faced whatever it is that you're tiptoeing?
*Hint!* It's FEAR!
Fear, you sneaky devil you.
If you have some things in your life that you aren't achieving because of fear, know that you are not alone, in fact you're human. And this is a journey that doesn't happen overnight but it is a lot easier when someone is on the journey with you.
I'm working on my shit because I have tons to give and so do you. If you'd like a helping hand on this journey to live a happier, healthier life, hit a sister up. I've had some practice and I've got some tools in the toolbox I'd love to share with you.